Everyday crisis - when something you love becomes something you really don’t love ??

I bet hardly any of you would think this of me but internally there has been an absolute barrage of disparaging feelings and remarks flying through my thoughts about my work and progress/achievements/authenticity/skills/style etc. All the joy of making has been replaced with horrible thought patterns. Everything to do with what I made became torturous! I’ve not really done anything substantial for a few years now because I'd worked myself into a strange state. Or that’s how it felt. I’d really lost my mojo and my heart was broken.

I was stuck. I didn’t know what to do, or how to move forward. I've felt as though I’ve had to decide everything all by myself and it has been extremely overwhelming at times.

But here we are in the now. Ive stuck it out, taken to just not caring about those feelings. ‘Oh well, I’m going to do this anyways!’ This has become a bit of a personal mantra. Isn’t the mind strange? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t it seems. If I made something it wasn’t right. I hadn’t had this vision of my future yet so I couldn’t move any further forward with a plan that could work. It was depressing!

I’m actually pretty positive (when I can see my vision!), i was just lost. I believe in what im doing and that it is all possible. I can get there; I see potentials, It gives rise to new beginnings, hope, trying again and again and again. But, in a full circle kind of way it has in the past perpetuated my lack of direction

It’s really Damned if you don’t though.

I’m going to start using my experiences and current inner feelings and intertwine them with my art (like it should have been all along! I don’t know why these seriously loud and obnoxious influencers in my head haven’t made there major debut appearance yet? Maybe the thought of sharing so much openly was too daunting before now, I’m not sure....? And I don’t really care anymore 🙂 ONWARDS! I am so ready!)

This will undoubtedly be MY ART. It’s a story of how we got to here. The highs and lows of life through one individuals experiences. For a long time I’ve tormented myself with questions about where to from here? I see the way out now! It is time - finally - to just move on and have fuuuuun! Let this be a lesson to anyone who is uncertain like I was. It will and can pass at some point and you will go on to feel inspired and lit up like a fire cracker about to explode with enthusiasm for your next big thing/project/painting!

I’m kicking it off with this seriously rough sketch from my art journal; ‘Nobody does it quite like you do’. A bit of self affirmation... as in I have this complex (well several but this is one) about my own ‘art style’ or a perceived lack of one. Nothing really to do with what I’ve scribbled but it got the ball rolling so to speak 😉 The drawing itself is an attempt at a melding of drawing styles to come up with my own ‘language/style’ that has a broad enough vocabulary to be able to express ALL that I will need to say in the near future. Its going to be dreamy, and delicate, with a hint of violence; like an x-Ray through a fairy tale revealing woes and triumphs hidden by the superficial but also creating some damage along the way. With this new work I’m going to smash all those hideous fearful stupid voices in their beady little eyes because they really do choke the air out of being creative!